I just put my mom's "famous" Apfelkuchen (apple cake) in the oven, and as I was preparing it I reflected a lot about my mom, especially her baking. I wanted to share my thoughts with you - I hope you don't mind!
I feel so lucky that my mom spent time typing out all her signature recipes. She was well-known for her baking and cooking, and baking the Apfelkuchen flooded me with memories of eating her special goodies at holidays, birthdays, when we had visitors, at other people's houses, when someone was sick (she always baked extras for us), and basically anytime at the drop of a hat. The Apfelkuchen was actually her grandmother's recipe, and so I have the added joy of knowing that I'm passing something on to my children that my mother, her mother, and her mother's mother all did.
But of course there's also a sad side. Obviously my greatest sadness is knowing my mother will never bake for me again. But there's more. I wish I could call her tomorrow and ask how she did the streusel topping and how she sliced & arranged the apples. I wish she could stand beside me in the kitchen again and teach me how to do it - and this time I'd actually listen. And then there's the fact that all my friends went crazy for my mom's apple cake, her cheese bread, her Alexander torte, while I took them for granted and was sometimes slightly annoyed that she always baked the same things. As a kid I was embarrassed about bringing Alexander torte on my birthday when my friends all brought cookies or cupcakes. (At least I later learned to embrace and feel proud of the cultural differences later on. Just not in 4th grade.) Mostly I wish I were baking the cake for my mom, to eat it with her.
And of course the apple cake is a metaphor for everything about loss - the blessings I feel about what my mom gave me as well as the regrets I have. We all have complicated relationships with our moms. We all wish our moms could be a little different, a little more perfect. It's easy to focus on the imperfections. But this is a reminder that sometimes there's no "tomorrow". The thing you plan on saying eventually ("thank you" or "I get it now" or "you were right" or "you are a great mom/dad/brother/sister") - it's best to say it now, because otherwise the time won't come. My mom drove me crazy a lot, and that's just how it was, and there were times I cherished her and times I didn't. I wish I had savored our time together a little more. If you still have your mom, I'm acting as that little bee buzzing around you reminding you to savor your time with your parents, even when they drive you crazy. It's fine to think about the ways they drive you crazy, but afterwards make yourself list the things about them that you cherish. I almost guarantee it will be a long list.
And then come on over for some Apfelkuchen. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment