Parenting Like A Grandparent

There are lots of types of grandparents; some are incredibly involved in their grandchildren's lives while others have distant relationships.  Our kids were lucky enough to have four grandparents who were actively involved in their lives and provided abundant unconditional love.  Each grandparent had his or her own strengths, and together they created a wonderful, balanced web of extended family.  And then one of them died.  When the kids' Omi Helga, my mom, died, she left an enormous void.  Each of the grandparents contributed something unique to the kids' lives, and in Omi's case it was a combination of German heritage and culture, an astounding amount of energy for excursions and adventures, and an intense love.

When my mom died, I realized immediately that her loss was going to leave a major hole in our lives.  My DH and I vowed immediately to find ways of filling that void; the tricky question was, How?

In a few days it will have been 5 months since my mom's death, and I ponder that question almost daily.  I've had to accept that no one will able to take her place and give my kids everything she gave them.  I've realized that the key to continuing my mother's legacy is to keep her spirit alive.  We're constantly finding ways of doing this, like sharing stories about her, mentioning her in our everyday lives, and carrying on her traditions.

It didn't feel like this was enough, though.  Of course these things keep her memory with us, but I still couldn't get over the fact that her presence was gone from our lives.  And then it came to me:  I need to parent like a grandparent.

What does that mean?  In the case of my mom, it means sitting down with the kids and giving them undivided attention: forgetting the housework for the time being, or the computer, or the to-do lists forming in my head. Simply taking the time to listen in the way a grandparent does, who has only limited time with the kids and makes the most of every minute.  It means every once in awhile forgetting I'm the Mom - the one who sets boundaries and teaches manners and sometimes has a short fuse - and acting like Omi - the one who had nothing but time, who hung on every word N said, who would walk to N's favorite burger/ice cream joint at the drop of a hat, rain or shine, who would spend an hour at the train table or throwing rocks into the creek or explaining gardening.

N & A are blessed to still have 3 grandparents who are loving and involved.  Nevertheless, we miss Omi like crazy.  I will admit that most days I feel like I'm in survival mode, and the idea of stepping into my mom's shoes seems like an unattainable ideal.  But I'm getting better and better at it, and I hope that in some way I'll be able to channel my mom and give my kids some of what my mom did.

Originally written 6/26/11